Once Upon a time,
I fell in love.
Not Long ago, something happened I never thought it would happen to me in a 100 years.
I described it as a Oneitis Case In one of my past Posts.
To be Honest, It is amiss to classify it as Oneitis, I don’t think of it that way.
As a matter of fact, I still don’t understand what happened.
How could things turn out the way they did?
I find it far from logic, far from a word to deliberately describe it. The word to express it lies between Pathetic and Amazing.
well, I will leave it up to you to decide. To name it whatever you want. to find the proper way to describe it.
It was early spring. I was in Germany, Frankfurt to be exact.
I Was living in a student dormitory. Although I wasn’t a student, I was doing a training period with one of the biggest banks in the world.
At that time, I was at the lowest point in my life since I was 16.
How have I reached it?
That is a story for another post.
The point is, I was out of shape, didn’t workout probably for almost a year. I Was dressing like a bum, wasn’t grooming myself properly.
A mediocre wuss, that was what I saw in the mirror, that was how I felt about myself.
I lost direction or in more precise words,
I changed direction.
I was heading towards a fast and easy exit, an exit from life.
I won’t go any further in my self-description of that time.
Back to the story. Back to my time in Frankfurt.
A new girl moved to our floor, I was sharing a floor with 17 other students, separate sleeping room, shared bathrooms and a kitchen.
She was Hungarian, early 20’s, couple of years younger than me.
let’s call her B.
B. was a very casual – the “girl next door” type – she was pretty, interesting and fun to be around. She studies psychology.
If you personally know me or any of my past blogs, you wouldn’t believe that B. did to me what she did. You wouldn’t believe that I have fallen for her.
She is beautiful, but not the type of girls I used to hang out with, she is not a model nor a prom queen – For me she was more than that.
The first time I saw B. she was in the shared kitchen with a group of her friends, I didn’t think to myself much as I never EVER try to bang girls in my area of residency.
–never shit where you eat, although an ugly way to describe it, but don’t sleep with girls living with you, it is just bad for the future.
First, let me explain something about myself:
I am fascinated by women, I admire and respect them. I see women as an equally intelligent human beings. I like their opinions and like to hang out with them.
I had to clarify that so none of you would misunderstand my next statement.
When it comes to my relationship with women, I am currently interested in just the sex.
My current lifestyle does not have a room for a serious relationship.
For some reason, I don’t fall in love, I don’t obsess over any girl and I don’t pursue any further attachment to any particular girl.
Now this is NOT a conscious decision, I don’t go about my day thinking “you know what, I don’t want to feel anything for any girl,
fuck em all”
Every man wants to fall in love, EVERY man, but some men see the world as it is and it is much harder for them to “fall in love”, that doesn’t mean they won’t end up with a woman whom they respect, admire and cherish.
We just have different opinions about love, what it means and if it exists or not.
Ok, where were we?
Ya, the day I first saw B.
I would have never imagined that B. would be the first and so far only girl I fell in “love” – or whatever you want to call it – with.
I was never a believer in “love” – and still have my doubts -, I thought love is for the weak, for those with no choices, those who struggle to get any girls attention.
“GOD DAMMIT JOHN FOCUS ON YOUR DAMN STORY”
back to B.
Our early interactions where completely casual, just the usual chat between room-mates. she was a nice casual girl with some cool thoughts and lame ass jokes – actually, pretty funny ones, it was fun chatting with her and I had nothing else to do anyway, since I was pretty much useless at that time.
B. had this thing about her, she was very “inviting”.
I lack the words to properly describe it, but we all know a girl who makes every guy think she is interested in him, but she isn’t, she was like that. What drove me crazy was, I really hate that type of girls, yet I couldn’t tell for sure if she is doing that consciously or if she was really “naive”.
She is a village girl, that was how she described herself.
She was very open about sex, very open about having multiple sexual partners in her life.
Personally, I’m ok with girls having lots of sexual partners in their life.
I have already been with a lot, so who am I to judge? – I will write a future article explaining how it doesn’t really matter the number of guys a girl have slept with. mostly, it is just a number.
For me, “Categorizing” B. was really hard.
I am an expert in picking clues and reading people, but with her, it was difficult.
As days went by, she was opening up to me about her private life, her family and some of her secrets.
I really enjoyed talking to her, she went through some trouble in her past.
With time, I sensed her starting to like me more than just a roommate, that was a red flag in my book, which usually means cutting the relationship altogether and minimizing “time together” to absolute minimum, that is how I used to deal with such situations – I will explain later why and how to do that.
But this time, I thought to myself, maybe I should open up about myself to her? maybe I should tell her some of my past!
I mean, I was sure I had no feelings for her, so why the hell not?
I can’t remember how the
fuck I thought this was a good idea, to tell her things that I have never told anyone before in my life.
I told her some stories about my twisted childhood, only “tip of the iceberg” of what happened to me during my childhood.
But still, it was enough. it was enough for my mind to think of her as the only girl who knew X about me.
Story after Story, I was
fucking myself over…
We began to hang out more and more, just me and her.
The weird thing was,
When I was with her, I wasn’t the man who owns a very promising company, wasn’t the man who inspires people around the world, who slept with hundreds of women, who was successful in every aspect of his life.
It was just me, or what was left of me. She saw the absolute worst version of myself, I couldn’t get any lower even if I tried. and she was OK with it, she made ME feel ok with it. she made it a little less Awful.
One day we went to a concert at the university campus, it was for a not-so-famous rock band. She invited me to join her. I joined for the sake of having a good time and picking up a girl from the concert.
We went there a bit early to meet up with her friends, relaxed a bit on the grass then when the party started, we got up to dance. – I am pretty good at dance floor game, for me, it is THE easiest way to pick up a girl – I was dancing around, just being silly and goofy waiting for the night to get old. I was dancing next to her but not with her, I didn’t have any intention to do anything with her so why bother?
Anyway, as we were dancing, B. and her friend decided to take off their shoes and dance in a nearby fountain. I refuse to join since I was wearing boots – as I do 90% of the time – and it is a pain in the ass to take them off. I was there to meet a new girl and was planning to split up with them anyway.
B. and her friend went into the pool and started dancing together. I was busy looking for potentials inside the crowd. It was a students party, so the game was simple, straight forward and 100% sure. There were plenty of sexy girls around, I was just taking my time.
I was casually looking around, I caught eyes with B., she was dancing in the pool, holding her dress up a bit. She looked at me for a while, then she started jumping and spinning in the water.
While She Was Dancing In The Water,
At that moment, I felt something weird, she looked so beautiful. the way she danced and jumped around. it was mesmerizing. I couldn’t look away for a good minute or two.
I stopped dancing completely and stood there just looking at her.
I wasn’t thinking, I was just looking. my mind was completely taken by her.
I forced myself to look away, I had to take myself out of that “state”.
I looked back into the crowd.
But then all I saw, was just a crowd. I couldn’t see any hot girls, I couldn’t look for open sets, closed sets, mixed groups. Couldn’t see who was with who, who is looking like she is up for a fun night and who had a recent fight with her boyfriend.
It was just a crowd.
My head was rushing with thoughts, thoughts about her, about B.
Suddenly I had this “voice” in my head, telling me that maybe, maybe I should go in the pool and dance with her, maybe I should stay the night with her.
That wasn’t rational in any way, that wasn’t ME in any way.
I panicked, I couldn’t tell exactly why. A feeling of suffocation struck me right in the chest.
I felt Exposed. she knows much about me, that was not the plan.
That wasn’t a feeling I’m used to, that didn’t belong to any of my feelings – Hungry, Horny, Tired, Pissed off… sums it up perfectly.
I felt weak, very weak. If I fall for her, if I start feeling something for her, then I won’t be in charge, it won’t be like always. if I fall for her, I will care, I will have something to lose.
I urgently took out my phone and started texting every single fuck-body I knew in Frankfurt, it was already past 2:00 AM, but I didn’t care.
One girl, let’s call her J., texted back telling me that she was chilling at her place, I told her I am on my way.
In the meantime, B. went out of the pool and told me she wants to go home now. I told her I would walk her to the train but won’t be joining her back to the dormitory. We went on the train and as I arrived at my stop, she told me that she’s really sad I am not coming back with her to the dormitory tonight.
I told her I have to go now. I went out of the train.
My heart was pounding fast.
I was really, really angry, I didn’t know why.
I rushed to J.’s place, I fucked her brain out that night, it was like I tried to “Cover” myself again. by fucking J. as rough as I can.
After that day, B. was officially stuck in my head, she was always there. No matter how many girls I get with, she just didn’t seem to go away.
I tried my best to avoid seeing B., telling her some bullshit excuses to get her away from me.
I tried meeting as many new girls as possible because as we all know, the best way to get a girl outside of your head, is to sleep with 10 new girls…
I slept with 14 new girls in the span of 3 weeks.
I tried every single trick in the book… nothing seemed to work.
What was wrong? how did I end up like that?
I had no idea.
I felt bad, weak and “Beta”. Something inside of me knew that I was being pathetic, something inside of me told me that it was wrong in so many ways. But it wasn’t loud enough. and I did not have my wolf-pack with me, no one was there to wake me up- Still, not an excuse.
I decide to go back to hanging out with B.
I thought maybe she will eventually push me away – heck I would’ve pushed myself away at that time, I was a total
I thought maybe I would learn something about her I consider a total turn off and she would magically disappear from my head.
It doesn’t work that way.
I was out of tricks.
fucking problem was, I enjoyed spending time with her so much. So I gave up to the idea, and let myself drift with her a bit.
I held myself together as much as I could, I hated being this exposed, I felt I was “beta” for the lack of a better description.
She made me realize that I have held “too much” inside of me, I was afraid that I would spill it over on her all at once. I was afraid that I will become needy, and that is the last thing I would want, I would rather die.
I gave up trying to push her away, and focused on getting myself back on check.
fuck was happening to me? that was what I wanted to know.
Fast forward a couple of weeks.
At an afternoon, while I was on my way back from the bank. my sister called, she told me that my grandmother had just passed away.
I’m not much of a family guy, but I liked my grandmother – may she rest in peace – that old lady gave me some of the best advice ever. that old lady was sure I will end up someone big, she was sure that the whole world will know my name one day, she was just waiting for it to happen.
It sucked a lot. hearing that my grandmother passed away. even more than I thought.
Anyway, I hung up and started walking faster towards the train.
In my mind, I had to go find B., I had to go see her, I had to go hug her and
I suddenly stopped, I realized that this is way too much, this is not acceptable.
What kind of spineless needy
fuck have I become?
I couldn’t do that… I shouldn’t do that.
I decide to go buy a pack of cigarettes –I am not a smoker – and go sit by the river.
I stayed there for 6 hours, thinking about,
Fast forward a couple of weeks
My training was over, I had to leave Germany. I was between two decisions, stay in Germany and stay with B. or leave and get my fucking spine and balls back.
I chose the latter.
At first, I thought I should completely cut off B. with no further connection. My plan was to get back to my country and do something really stupid, something that will surely get me killed.
I hated what I have become, I hated where I was at for the past year. I saw no purpose of staying in a puddle of mediocrity, I saw no pleasure in going back to the top.
No, I did not plan on committing suicide, I planned on doing something noble that holds a 90% chance of getting me killed, in a very horrific way.
I was preparing my goodbyes, it was what’s best for me and her.
So far she knew nothing about my feelings
So far we did not even had sex or kissed
lame? … CHECK
Fucking pathetic? … CHECK
I was trying to get myself together. doing anything intimate with her would surely mean I would fuck up even more.
I told her I was leaving Germany, I had a couple of days left and then I will forever be gone.
But she could see through me, she could see all that I had planned ahead.
damn, I can’t “pretend” around her.
I don’t know, maybe I was “framed” as exposed with her?
She was crying. I made a lot of girls cry in my life – never a thing to be proud of – and somehow I grow numb to it, but I did not like her crying, she was always good to me, she was the first girl to actually get that close to me.
…I lost my virginity way before I should, slept with hundreds of wonderful girls through my life, and yet this small Hungarian girl does all this to me – or have I done it to myself? makes you wonder.
I hated making her cry, I wanted her to stop, I hated causing her sadness.
But I hated myself and what I have become way more, so I had to go on with the plan.
That bitch. at my last day, at my last couple of hours in Germany, I couldn’t stand knowing that I won’t see her again. I just couldn’t.
Another brilliantly stupid idea came to my mind.
What if I stayed in contact? What if I regained myself and then came back to her? That is possible, right?
I gave her my international number, I told her my last goodbye, and yes, I cried, tears took me by surprise. I haven’t cried for ten years, I haven’t cried for all the
bullshit I went through my life, I did not cry for all of those I have lost in the past 10 years, and I cried because of her.
I went on with my flight, went back to my home country, and we stayed in contact.
She declared her love to me and so did I.
I had nothing to hide anymore.
I did plan to go back to her again. I planned to go back after a couple of months.. but
I was back with my old friends. all those who have seen me in my highest heights and I’m now down below.
Damn all those smiles, damn when people you helped greatly, drives pleasure in your failure, drive pleasure when they see you fall.
They reminded me of how much I have fallen, they reminded me of how much weak I have become.
Most importantly, they reminded me of who I really was.
and at that moment it became clear.
I am no good for B.
for reasons, I’m not good for any girl this time being.
so I had to push her away.
And I did.
Probably the hardest thing I have ever done, I never knew that you could feel much pain without having a physical wound.
And now it is over
Did I love her?
Do I still love her?
That, I can’t answer.
What I learned was,
you can’t trust yourself to never fall, you can never trust yourself to be in charge of your emotions. Those
fuckers will get to you sometimes.
Don’t go into solitude when you are at your weakest, keep good friends around and let them take you out of it. It is no fun games to do it on your own.
My experience with B. was profitable.
B. taught me much about myself, B. Helped me greatly.
She helped me expose my inner “wuss”.
He is gone now…
…Only I shall remain.