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While She Was Dancing In The Water

While she was dancing in the water

Once Upon a time,

I fell in love.

Not Long ago, something happened I never thought it would happen to me in a 100 years.

I described it as a Oneitis Case In one of my past Posts.

To be Honest, It is amiss to classify it as Oneitis, I don’t think of it that way.

As a matter of fact, I still don’t understand what happened.

How could things turn out the way they did? 

I find it far from logic, far from a word to deliberately describe it. The word to express it lies between Pathetic and Amazing. 

well, I will leave it up to you to decide. To name it whatever you want. to find the proper way to describe it. 



It was early spring. I was in Germany, Frankfurt to be exact. 

I Was living in a student dormitory. Although I wasn’t a student, I was doing a training period with one of the biggest banks in the world.

At that time, I was at the lowest point in my life since I was 16.

How have I reached it?

That is a story for another post. 

The point is, I was out of shape, didn’t workout probably for almost a year. I Was dressing like a bum, wasn’t grooming myself properly. 

A mediocre wuss, that was what I saw in the mirror, that was how I felt about myself. 

I lost direction or in more precise words,

I changed direction. 

I was heading towards a fast and easy exit, an exit from life. 

I won’t go any further in my self-description of that time. 

Back to the story. Back to my time in Frankfurt. 

A new girl moved to our floor, I was sharing a floor with 17 other students, separate sleeping room, shared bathrooms and a kitchen. 

She was Hungarian, early 20’s, couple of years younger than me.

let’s call her B. 

B. was a very casual – the “girl next door” type – she was pretty, interesting and fun to be around. She studies psychology. 

If you personally know me or any of my past blogs, you wouldn’t believe that B. did to me what she did. You wouldn’t believe that I have fallen for her. 

She is beautiful, but not the type of girls I used to hang out with, she is not a model nor a prom queen – For me she was more than that

The first time I saw B. she was in the shared kitchen with a group of her friends, I didn’t think to myself much as I never EVER try to bang girls in my area of residency.

never shit where you eat, although an ugly way to describe it, but don’t sleep with girls living with you, it is just bad for the future.

 

First, let me explain something about myself: 

I am fascinated by women, I admire and respect them. I see women as an equally intelligent human beings. I like their opinions and like to hang out with them.
I had to clarify that so none of you would misunderstand my next statement.

When it comes to my relationship with women, I am currently interested in just the sex. 

My current lifestyle does not have a room for a serious relationship.
For some reason, I don’t fall in love, I don’t obsess over any girl and I don’t pursue any further attachment to any particular girl. 
Now this is NOT a conscious decision, I don’t go about my day thinking “you know what, I don’t want to feel anything for any girl, fuck em all”
NO. 
Every man wants to fall in love, EVERY man, but some men see the world as it is and it is much harder for them to “fall in love”, that doesn’t mean they won’t end up with a woman whom they respect, admire and cherish.
We just have different opinions about love, what it means and if it exists or not

 

Ok, where were we? 

Ya, the day I first saw B.

I would have never imagined that B. would be the first and so far only girl I fell in “love” – or whatever you want to call it – with.

I was never a believer in “love” – and still have my doubts -, I thought love is for the weak, for those with no choices, those who struggle to get any girls attention.

“GOD DAMMIT JOHN FOCUS ON YOUR DAMN STORY” 
ok. ok.
back to B.

Our early interactions where completely casual, just the usual chat between room-mates. she was a nice casual girl with some cool thoughts and lame ass jokes – actually, pretty funny ones, it was fun chatting with her and I had nothing else to do anyway, since I was pretty much useless at that time. 

B. had this thing about her, she was very “inviting”. 

I lack the words to properly describe it, but we all know a girl who makes every guy think she is interested in him, but she isn’t, she was like that. What drove me crazy was, I really hate that type of girls, yet I couldn’t tell for sure if she is doing that consciously or if she was really “naive”. 

She is a village girl, that was how she described herself.

She was very open about sex, very open about having multiple sexual partners in her life. 

Personally, I’m ok with girls having lots of sexual partners in their life.

I have already been with a lot, so who am I to judge? – I will write a future article explaining how it doesn’t really matter the number of guys a girl have slept with. mostly, it is just a number.

For me, “Categorizing” B. was really hard.

I am an expert in picking clues and reading people, but with her, it was difficult. 

As days went by, she was opening up to me about her private life, her family and some of her secrets.

I really enjoyed talking to her, she went through some trouble in her past.

With time, I sensed her starting to like me more than just a roommate, that was a red flag in my book,  which usually means cutting the relationship altogether and minimizing “time together” to absolute minimum, that is how I used to deal with such situations – I will explain later why and how to do that.

But this time, I thought to myself, maybe I should open up about myself to her? maybe I should tell her some of my past!

I mean, I was sure I had no feelings for her, so why the hell not? 

I can’t remember how the fuck I thought this was a good idea, to tell her things that I have never told anyone before in my life.

I told her some stories about my twisted childhood, only “tip of the iceberg” of what happened to me during my childhood.

But still, it was enough. it was enough for my mind to think of her as the only girl who knew X about me.

Story after Story, I was fucking myself over… 

We began to hang out more and more, just me and her.

The weird thing was,

When I was with her, I wasn’t the man who owns a very promising company, wasn’t the man who inspires people around the world, who slept with hundreds of women, who was successful in every aspect of his life.

It was just me, or what was left of me. She saw the absolute worst version of myself, I couldn’t get any lower even if I tried. and she was OK with it, she made ME feel ok with it. she made it a little less Awful. 

While she was dancing in the water

 

One day we went to a concert at the university campus, it was for a not-so-famous rock band. She invited me to join her. I joined for the sake of having a good time and picking up a girl from the concert. 


We went there a bit early to meet up with her friends, relaxed a bit on the grass then when the party started, we got up to dance. – I am pretty good at dance floor game, for me, it is THE easiest way to pick up a girl – I was dancing around, just being silly and goofy waiting for the night to get old. I was dancing next to her but not with her, I didn’t have any intention to do anything with her so why bother? 

Anyway, as we were dancing, B. and her friend decided to take off their shoes and dance in a nearby fountain. I refuse to join since I was wearing boots – as I do 90% of the time –  and it is a pain in the ass to take them off. I was there to meet a new girl and was planning to split up with them anyway. 

B. and her friend went into the pool and started dancing together. I was busy looking for potentials inside the crowd. It was a students party, so the game was simple, straight forward and 100% sure. There were plenty of sexy girls around, I was just taking my time.

I was casually looking around, I caught eyes with B., she was dancing in the pool, holding her dress up a bit. She looked at me for a while, then she started jumping and spinning in the water.

While She Was Dancing In The Water,

At that moment, I felt something weird, she looked so beautiful. the way she danced and jumped around. it was mesmerizing. I couldn’t look away for a good minute or two.

I stopped dancing completely and stood there just looking at her.

I wasn’t thinking, I was just looking. my mind was completely taken by her.

 I forced myself to look away, I had to take myself out of that “state”.

I looked back into the crowd.

But then all I saw, was just a crowd. I couldn’t see any hot girls, I couldn’t look for open sets, closed sets, mixed groups. Couldn’t see who was with who, who is looking like she is up for a fun night and who had a recent fight with her boyfriend.

It was just a crowd.

My head was rushing with thoughts, thoughts about her, about B.

Suddenly I had this “voice” in my head, telling me that maybe, maybe I should go in the pool and dance with her, maybe I should stay the night with her.

That wasn’t rational in any way, that wasn’t ME in any way.

I panicked, I couldn’t tell exactly why. A feeling of suffocation struck me right in the chest.

I felt Exposed. she knows much about me, that was not the plan.

That wasn’t a feeling I’m used to, that didn’t belong to any of my feelings – Hungry, Horny, Tired, Pissed off… sums it up perfectly.

I felt weak, very weak. If I fall for her, if I start feeling something for her, then I won’t be in charge, it won’t be like always.  if I fall for her, I will care, I will have something to lose.

I urgently took out my phone and started texting every single fuck-body I knew in Frankfurt, it was already past 2:00 AM, but I didn’t care.

One girl, let’s call her J., texted back telling me that she was chilling at her place, I told her I am on my way.

In the meantime, B. went out of the pool and told me she wants to go home now. I told her I would walk her to the train but won’t be joining her back to the dormitory. We went on the train and as I arrived at my stop, she told me that she’s really sad I am not coming back with her to the dormitory tonight.

I told her I have to go now. I went out of the train.

My heart was pounding fast.

I was really, really angry, I didn’t know why.

I rushed to J.’s place, I fucked her brain out that night, it was like I tried to “Cover” myself again. by fucking J. as rough as I can.

After that day, B. was officially stuck in my head, she was always there. No matter how many girls I get with, she just didn’t seem to go away.

I tried my best to avoid seeing B., telling her some bullshit excuses to get her away from me. 

I tried meeting as many new girls as possible because as we all know, the best way to get a girl outside of your head, is to sleep with 10 new girls…

I slept with 14 new girls in the span of 3 weeks.

Didn’t work.

I tried every single trick in the book… nothing seemed to work.

What was wrong? how did I end up like that?  

I had no idea.

I felt bad, weak and “Beta”. Something inside of me knew that I was being pathetic, something inside of me told me that it was wrong in so many ways. But it wasn’t loud enough. and I did not have my wolf-pack with me, no one was there to wake me up- Still, not an excuse. 

I decide to go back to hanging out with B.

I thought maybe she will eventually push me away – heck I would’ve pushed myself away at that time, I was a total pussy. 

She didn’t.

I thought maybe I would learn something about her I consider a total turn off and she would magically disappear from my head.

It doesn’t work that way.

I was out of tricks.

The fucking problem was, I enjoyed spending time with her so much. So I gave up to the idea, and let myself drift with her a bit.

 

I held myself together as much as I could, I hated being this exposed, I felt I was “beta” for the lack of a better description.

She made me realize that I have held “too much” inside of me, I was afraid that I would spill it over on her all at once. I was afraid that I will become needy, and that is the last thing I would want, I would rather die.

I gave up trying to push her away, and focused on getting myself back on check.

What the fuck was happening to me? that was what I wanted to know.

Fast forward a couple of weeks.

At an afternoon, while I was on my way back from the bank. my sister called, she told me that my grandmother had just passed away.

I’m not much of a family guy, but I liked my grandmother – may she rest in peace – that old lady gave me some of the best advice ever. that old lady was sure I will end up someone big, she was sure that the whole world will know my name one day, she was just waiting for it to happen.

It sucked a lot. hearing that my grandmother passed away. even more than I thought.

Anyway, I hung up and started walking faster towards the train.

In my mind, I had to go find B., I had to go see her, I had to go hug her and

*shit!*

I suddenly stopped, I realized that this is way too much, this is not acceptable.

What kind of spineless needy fuck have I become?

I couldn’t do that… I shouldn’t do that.

I decide to go buy a pack of cigarettes –I am not a smoker – and go sit by the river.

I stayed there for 6 hours, thinking about,

Nothing.

Fast forward a couple of weeks

My training was over, I had to leave Germany. I was between two decisions, stay in Germany and stay with B. or leave and get my fucking spine and balls back.

I chose the latter.

At first, I thought I should completely cut off B. with no further connection. My plan was to get back to my country and do something really stupid, something that will surely get me killed.

I hated what I have become, I hated where I was at for the past year. I saw no purpose of staying in a puddle of mediocrity, I saw no pleasure in going back to the top.

No, I did not plan on committing suicide, I planned on doing something noble that holds a 90% chance of getting me killed, in a very horrific way. 

quote, love, escape

I was preparing my goodbyes, it was what’s best for me and her. 

So far she knew nothing about my feelings

So far we did not even had sex or kissed 

lame? … CHECK 
Fucking pathetic? … CHECK

I was trying to get myself together. doing anything intimate with her would surely mean I would fuck up even more. 

I told her I was leaving Germany, I had a couple of days left and then I will forever be gone.

But she could see through me, she could see all that I had planned ahead.

damn, I can’t “pretend” around her.

I don’t know, maybe I was “framed” as exposed with her?

She was crying. I made a lot of girls cry in my life – never a thing to be proud of – and somehow I grow numb to it, but I did not like her crying, she was always good to me, she was the first girl to actually get that close to me.

…I lost my virginity way before I should, slept with hundreds of wonderful girls through my life, and yet this small Hungarian girl does all this to me – or have I done it to myself? makes you wonder. 

I hated making her cry, I wanted her to stop, I hated causing her sadness.

But I hated myself and what I have become way more, so I had to go on with the plan.

 

That bitch. at my last day, at my last couple of hours in Germany, I couldn’t stand knowing that I won’t see her again. I just couldn’t.

Another brilliantly stupid idea came to my mind.

What if I stayed in contact? What if I regained myself and then came back to her? That is possible, right?

I gave her my international number, I told her my last goodbye, and yes, I cried, tears took me by surprise. I haven’t cried for ten years, I haven’t cried for all the bullshit I went through my life, I did not cry for all of those I have lost in the past 10 years, and I cried because of her.

I went on with my flight, went back to my home country, and we stayed in contact.

She declared her love to me and so did I.

I had nothing to hide anymore. 

I did plan to go back to her again. I planned to go back after a couple of months.. but 

I was back with my old friends. all those who have seen me in my highest heights and I’m now down below.

Damn all those smiles, damn when people you helped greatly, drives pleasure in your failure, drive pleasure when they see you fall.

They reminded me of how much I have fallen, they reminded me of how much weak I have become.

Most importantly, they reminded me of who I really was.

and at that moment it became clear.

I am no good for B.

for reasons, I’m not good for any girl this time being. 

so I had to push her away.

And I did.

Probably the hardest thing I have ever done, I never knew that you could feel much pain without having a physical wound.

And now it is over 

Did I love her?
Yes. 
Do I still love her?
That, I can’t answer.

What I learned was,

you can’t trust yourself to never fall, you can never trust yourself to be in charge of your emotions. Those fuckers will get to you sometimes. 

Don’t go into solitude when you are at your weakest, keep good friends around and let them take you out of it. It is no fun games to do it on your own.

 

My experience with B. was profitable. 

B. taught me much about myself, B. Helped me greatly.

She helped me expose my inner “wuss”. 

He is gone now…

…Only I shall remain.

John Deus


23 Comments

  1. […] This is one of my secrets back in the day when I was an amateur bodybuilder – If you are a mysupremacy.com follower then you already know that I lost most of my muscle and regained some body fat recently.  […]

  2. Hey john

    i was really impressed by the fact you mentioned that you stopped being virgin at a single digit age. How is that possible? At 8-9 years old the 99% of kids don’t even know what masturbation is. You are not even a teenager at this age.
    Nice story by the way. Have you ever thinked that it would be better if you told her that you love her or had sex with her?..

    • John Deus John Deus

      Dare&Conqure,
      Maybe I would write about the story one day.

      Thank You, I did tell her that. and yes I think if we had sex my mind would not put her in much of a “special” place.

      Regards,
      J.Deus

      • haha ok, i would definitely wanna hear about it.

  3. Alex Alex

    The great john deus fell in love.
    we did not see that day coming.
    any chance of posting a picture of her?

    • John Deus John Deus

      Alex,
      my old buddy!

      Well, weird life my friend, weird life.

      No, I won’t be posting any pics of her.
      Thanks for not revealing my identity man… Really appreciate that
      Regards,
      J.Deus

  4. brado brado

    I think you should go back to her

  5. Sebastian Sebastian

    Dear John,
    You’re incredible, Though we love to think that we can control our emotions and in a way or another we can but not fully. I think love is the most interesting thing in our lives, we can’t fully understand it which makes it mysterious and amazing but enough with love, love can wait.

    I found your blog on another “men” website and I loved it from the start, your thoughts, advices which you gained by experience are helping me a lot, I’m 18 years old and I realized that I want to change myself because I’m not happy with my looks, lifestyle and I want to live my only life I have as I want. Not gonna say anything else because I will end up to be called a pussy and who knows what, still I wanted to say thanks because after I realized that I want to change, I found your blog which shows me that it is possible to live how you want and you are able to show us a direction, and making the path for ourselves is something we have to deal with.

    I just curious and I know there is a little possibility that you’ll answer my question but may I know where are you from? (your home country) I understand if you don’t want to answer because I’m sure you have your reasons. ( I guess you’re from Austria ).

    Thank You for everything man !
    Keep Up the good work.

    • John Deus John Deus

      Sebastian,

      Thank you for your comment!

      It’s always great to see people working on changing themselves, stay on that path man.

      No, i am not from Austria.

      I will reveal my true identity, but when i feel that the time is right.

      Regards,
      J.Deus

  6. Croked Croked

    Wow, that was really intense man!
    thanx for sharing!

  7. Tyler Tyler

    It is awesome to see that love could happen to any of us. I was dumped like 2 months ago a 3 and half relationship. Trough this time it haven’t been easy but your blog have help me up. I think was in love but what I’m feeling right know it’s kind of Oneitis.
    I got a question, some times I think the truly thing that I miss it’s just her ass. So how will you describe love? And how do I know I was in love and not just holding it because she was beautiful?
    I would like to ask a few more question if I could will defenetly help going through this.
    Regards!

  8. vince vince

    There are only pimps, hos, and tricks (Iceberg Slim). Looking at the evidence, you definitely were not the pimp in this scenario.

    Read “Don’t Shoot the Dog” to figure out how you were played.

    • vince vince

      “We want what we can’t have” also played a part in the dynamics. Your rule of “not shitting where you eat” needs refining for special cases…

      Ironically, if you did fuck her, then your mind might more easily categorize her as one of the hundreds you fucked.

      FTOW in the mindset that life goes on works well but using it to erase one girl just “bid” her up in value > 14 girls.

  9. Neel Neel

    This story should totally be a movie

    • That is probably why it didn’t end well… this real life, just stick to the rules and play the game as it is.

      • Armin Armin

        That’s why it would totally make a good movie, because it’s real life and not the overly unrealistic shit. Not the usual “and they lived happy ever after” stuff, rather an end that exposes a mans decisions as they are, not as the society thinks they should be. Real stories are mostly better than made up stories.

  10. Burhan Yanik Burhan Yanik

    Bro thanks for your helpful experiences and sharing them with us,but I have a question.
    You said that we should not do too much in a relationship to get the girl…how did she fall in love with you even in your worst state?

    • A girl can fall in love with you in your worst conditions, if your worst conditions doesn’t include desperation and such. In my case I think it was more that she was just looking for attention and there wasn’t anything real behind it.

  11. Wendell Risher - Flowers Wendell Risher - Flowers

    Loved this read!
    Been reading a lot of your work lately. Recently subscribed to Reddit’s TheRedPill, started journaling, and forcefully trying to learn how to be a man (of course from the internet) because I have absolutely no, and had none, father figures in my life to really* Show* me how to be. As thus, finally taking a more proactive approach after all the dust has settled metaphorically speaking.

    A little about me;
    College Graduate (Have to go back to retake one class to finally get the degree)
    Was in a relationship with my high school sweetheart for 4 years (3 of those being Long Distance while I was away at College. I fully understood the importance of putting my own career and dreams as a priority in my life) prior to this past June. (Yes, I now realize how much of a mistake that was.)

    In June she broke up with me. Reason given (if I can even remember it at this point) the same ol’ thing every girl says “I need time to focus on myself / I can’t be in a relationship if the relationship is not a priority to me / I don’t want to be in Long Distance, you don’t want to be in a Long Distance, we both don’t really believe that the distance will ever end anymore… so why are we both willfully miserable right now?” etc. Of course, as the guy, of course I saw the distance ending and everything being like a normal relationship once I was done with college. That had always been the plan. Go to College, visit when I can, get a degree and come back home to a girlfriend, with +1 Degree, +1 Job(s) and more confidence than ever. Well, we can assume how that went –
    Came back home from College in August disdainfully. – No degree, No girlfriend, and No job. Of course, in the confusion of all of this, I agreed to be Friends with my ex, whom I do not have any desire to be friends. (She is an amazing person. Just not someone I would be friends with after seeing naked and being in a relationship for 4 years. Lovers, yes. In a relationship, yes. Fuck buddies? Yes. Friends, no.) That is not what I want however of course, if it makes her happy I am more than willing to bend my own frame to fit into what will make her happy. (Because of course, a girls happiness is one of the most important things to me, regardless of how I feel or want) She now has a boyfriend in me in which all the emotional tampon benefits her, and absolutely NO benefit to me, aside from friendship (which I didn’t want to begin with! O’Lay!). Having one’s cake and eating it to. To say I was defeated for the first time in my life is an understatement.
    3 Years Ago I had it all – going to The Best Music School In The World (Berklee College of Music), having a Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Intelligent Girlfriend, and finally making All* my dreams come true (Going to a music school and having a girlfriend. What more could one want in life? Oh how foolish I was)
    Very much realize where it all went wrong.

    Now, after what I have now learned. I had, have had, and still have a severe case of Oneitis. I fully realize why –
    1. I invested a metric-Shitload into this relationship (Long distance of course) over the past 3 years, while being broke, working 3 jobs, working on 16 credits at a time (nonstop) and trying desperately to make this work as we were (and perhaps unfortunately still are) a great team and had great chemistry emotionally, sexually and as friends (which is something I am wondering if I am doing because I want to, or have a lingering hope we can still get back together)
    2. I, now and for the past 3 years, did not talk to any other girls at more than a platonic level. I am, and have been told, I have a charismatic, positive, really pleasant to be around vibe. I have also since been told I give off the Friendship aura to women. As such, I am proactively working on changing that without* losing track of My mission in life. ***Because I have No Options, I am in a Powerless position***
    3. Me view of love… dating… interactions with girls you have no platonic interest in at all… My views were quite warped. My mom, rest in peace that great woman, was great at many things. Caring, loving, understanding, able to meet Anyone at their level and raise them up with confidence and praise. However, teaching a young boy how to be a Man was sure as hell not one of them. My father, bless his heart, was largely AFK for a large part of my years trying to figure out what sexuality was, how to be a man, what masculinity is. As such… my mom took up that challenge that no woman should have to take – Fully taking on the burden of teaching a young boy how to be a man. She taught me a lot of traits I am, or will learn to be, grateful for no doubt. However, everything is useless I have found when it comes to sexuality, attraction, dating, etc. *It Has Left Me Woefully Frustrated, Confused and with an incredibly nasty taste in my mouth about how all of this works*
    Always thought in a relationship – love should be (read; is) unconditional.
    Mistake number 1 ;
    Mom taught me to always be nice, chivalrous, etc.
    All of these are great things when Done Correctly and with The Correct Strategy
    Mistake number 2;
    I was approaching sexuality, dating, EVERYTHING, with a female frame and / or a Beta Mindset and foundation. I recently woke up and said no more. Absolutely fucking no more.
    Mistake number 3;
    Somewhere throughout all the stress, I lost my mission. Somewhere throughout the incredible stress financially of juggling rent and a long distance relationship (shit is expensive as fuck. even moreso if one side is investing more (guess who) )
    ridiculous workloads at school and balancing everything, my mission became even unknown to me. Music was no longer my passion but it turned into a hobby. My mission, my dream, eventually warped into “Survive, cling on to whatever you can for JUST long enough to get home to your girlfriend. Nothing else matters anymore.”
    Emotions are a bitch. Unhealthy management of stress so help me God is also a bitch. I allowed both to rule my Every aspect of my life.

    There are perhaps a whole slew of other mistakes I have noticed in my self-introspection.

    The hardest part in this discovery process for me has undoubtedly been seeing 4 years of investment go up in flames. 4 years of commitment going up in flames. 3 Years of a Long Distance (read; Promise Of A Relationship) Relationship just completely burn away, and with it (lets not shit myself) my entire dream – Being with my girlfriend, first and foremost, and working on a music career)
    Wouldn’t take any of those 4 years back. Hell, doubt I would do anything differently. Did the absolute best I could with the hand that was dealt to me. Only other option would have been to get up from the table and just not play that hand (It was a losing game from the moment Long Distance was even a card in that hand) but, where’s the fun in that right?
    (Sex, penetrative sex, didn’t happen due to medical reasons. I don’t really understand it that much but after my own research into the subject, it is an actual medical condition that requires treatment; Either by oneself, through help, etc. Treatment is nonetheless still required)

    As for what to do with my ex now that I accepted defeat. I do not like losing games IF and ONLY if I do not know what the fuck happened. I now know exactly what happened, how I am handling it, and necessary steps *I* need to take. As much as it hurts me to admit this, that means right now completely moving on and emotionally detaching myself. I did say and / or promise to be friends, however, that is not possible for me. Regardless of it confuses her / hurts her / whatever is now not a concern of mines nor is it important. That is not my truth. I have lived too long not valuing my truth. Enough of that. A man values his truth.

    My entire life up until now has been Approval-Seeking Behavior. Yes, a college degree is great, however I was wholeheartedly honestly not doing it For me, although I know damn well it is almost a necessity in this day and age, I was doing it for my Mom and Grandpa. Working my ass off at College was not wholeheartedly FOR me, it was for my family and girlfriend – to Prove to them all I can be independent and was worthy of acknowledgement as a Man (read; really really old Boy. A Man is not a Man because he exist. A Man is built, created. I was no man. I am learning how to be one though) The one thing I did that was solely for me was always Music. Had an affinity towards it, was already pushed to pursuit it, however it was always solely because it was Mines. I have reclaimed that flame that burned out.
    Angry? Undoubtedly so.
    Very angry. So angry that it actually hurts journaling and reading etc. However, putting that anger, that emotion, CONTROLLING it and putting it to good use is MANdatory now. (Pun intended)

    Now, however, through reading your blog, TheRedPill, journaling, it is high time to study, practice and implement everything I am absorbing. Knowledge is not good enough. Action, action, action.

    The only lingering question that I do not know how to proceed with –
    Do I be upfront and honest about my feelings, those little shits, with her
    or
    Do I completely go ghost.

    I do not know the answer to be completely honest in what would be more beneficial to me.

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