Ride The Wave
I was 5 years old, sitting on a chair next to my father.
He was expressing in prose his glories and the never reoccurring stories of the past. I remember being quite like usual, closely scrutinizing this magical wave of social interaction, this observable energy altering between hearers of the talk.
This energy coming to life in the form of ups and downs, shocks and awes, the looks, the eyes, the body movements, the changing voice pitch.
Social interactions, expressions, emotions, and feelings, those used to baffle me as a kid.
It never made any sense to me, the meaning of expressing yourself.
I understood “talk” but not express.
I understood “ask” but not feel.
I understood “Emotion” but not emotions.
“Emotion” was a word, supposed to describe a set of behaviors we do, that was how I understood it.
Think about it, How could you describe blue to a blind person?
It was that confusing to me.
I remember uttering “I feel alone” numerous times to my parents. “we are all with you” was the designated response. A wrong response to the wrong question. I wasn’t “feeling” alone, I was expressing the world as I was “outside” of my environment, as I was in a different dimension sort of speak.
I had and still have a problem to define it. I never sought a psychiatrist and never went to one. I don’t like them, or to be more precise, I don’t like talking their talk, I don’t like talking about myself.
But I had to find a solution, it was obviously not normal to be like that. Thus, I became the psychiatrist. Not on papers, but I had read enough books I could actually apply for a bachelor degree.
I had to find out, Am I a Psychopath?
Do I have a borderline personality disorder?
What about schizoid personality disorder?
… No, No and No.
Apathy is not in my diagnoses. I did not lack Empathy, I can tell when something is wrong with someone.
I can observe it but can’t express it.
For a while, I a was convinced that I have Derealization. But, I was mistaken.
I had a severe head concussion back when I was in Germany, and it made me realize what Derealization actually is.
I still can’t find a terminology for it, I still can’t find any diagnoses of such a case.
But I did find what is wrong with me.
I am too much in control of my emotions.
I have put myself outside of the wave. There is no up and down for me, it is just a straight line.
When there is a very loud noise around you, you block your ears so you could stop hearing it. That is what I did, to my Emotions. and somehow I can’t unblock them.
I Can’t Ride The Wave.
I smile, I laugh, I get angry, I get pissed off, I scream, I express
But I do it as a conscious decision.
There were a few occasions in my life where I lost control, like when I was with Her.
I was ambivalent about what to choose, should I lose or maintain control?
I chose to maintain control, I chose to be the master of my emotions. But I would never wish it on anyone else.
It is extremely beneficial to control your emotions, It’s helpful to business and with women. But beyond that, it as a dreadful waste of life.
Ride the wave, leave it to the spontaneity of life. lose control, indulge in life, sacrifice your ego, push yourself to the edge of your emotions, embrace them.
Why would you ever want to control everything? why would you want to lose the beauty of uncertainty?
That rush, that drive. The sweet, the sour. The good and the bad.
They all blend together to form a journey, an experience, and a life.
Ride The Wave,